In the long run, though, this will do you zero good.

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I took control of my dating fate, and took steps towards having the experiences I actually wanted. I can’t fully articulate when I was the one doing the digging around for interesting people, proposing dates and meeting babes.

It was so empowering, and is something I’m never going to let go of. More than that, people believe what they’re told: if you message someone you find hot, the vibe that surrounds that action is ‘we are a good match, we are on the same page, we are a good fit’. I identify strongly with a tweet by my darling pal Leah, all in lower case, simply saying ‘do wot i want’. I ‘do wot i want’ and there’s always been a steady stream of people to do that with me.

If you’re a fat who’s embarrassed about the fact she’s fat, it’s a natural instinct to want to only show carefully-posed selfies with flawless contouring to conceal it.

I don’t often talk about personal stuff on this blog, but I figured once in a while it might be good, so this is a post about how I’ve found it useful and helpful to navigate online dating as a fat woman.

Nearly three years ago, I decided I didn’t want to have monogamous relationships anymore, for the simple reason that they didn’t suit me.

This means, though, that even though I spent two and a half of the past three years in a relationship, I was still dating the whole time.

I’ve had(a bitter regret of mine is that I never catalogued them, but I’ve easily had 200 or more first dates since 2010), and my dating style and approach has become improved and refined over time.

My weapon of choice is Ok Cupid, because the design is great, I love the matching algorithm, and it seems to be the most populated by interesting, thoughtful, attractive people, and is especially dense with nonmonogamous folk.

Since my first tip is ‘be the boss’, and I hate doing a post without a picture, please enjoy this photo of a young Bruce Springsteen.

You don’t need to be the Boss, though, just be your own boss. For the first year and a half-ish that I was on Ok Cupid, I had loads of dates, but 99% of the time, I didn’t fancy the people I was meeting. Because I was letting my fat fears rule my choices, and going, primarily, for the ‘sort of people’ I thought would want to date me.

I wasn’t even thinking about what I wanted, beyond ‘are they, like, at least 40% attractive? My own internalised fatphobia and anxieties about how other people perceive my body (often rightly-held, though always useful to unpack) were clouding my judgement to the extent to which I was not allowing myself to be an active agent in my own love life.